1 month old already!

Ayaan turned one month old today! And here’s the stuff I know about him so far…

He likes to grunt (a lot).

He likes to fart a lot.

He doesn’t like being wrapped up, in fact he struggles (while grunting) until he is free.

He likes to sleep between 7-9 am every day.

He likes to pee and poop as soon as we set him in the bath (it’s really gross).

He turns all red and purple (as though he’s about to poo) but then just grunts and turns back to his normal color.

I have mastered a technique so that I don’t get shot in the face with baby boy pee

Happy 1 Month Birthday Ayaan!

Strip Tease

Ayzah has a new thing… stripping. She can take her clothes off faster than you can imagine, and then she runs around the house naked!! She’s even managed to take her diaper off and go streaking around the house. Aahhhh… the joys of toddlerism. I hope she grows up and read this.

PS – I could have posted a picture, but I’m nice, so I didn’t.

A litte something to add cheer

Baby Ayaan (as Ayzah likes to call him), is lying next to me in bed. I could be sleeping right now, but instead decided to blog. I love mornings, even now. Even though I haven’t slept most of the night, there is something about the morning light that brings so much hope with it. The new day promises a fresh new start. Today will be a good day – InshAllah.

PS – Did I mention it’s also the weekend? Woohoo!

In Limbo, with the Blues

Having a newborn is hard work. No matter how happy or excited you are, the truth is that it’s hard work. And somehow, because I’ve done this twice before, it is naturally assumed that I no longer need help. In truth, I also thought I didn’t need help. I know this stuff like the back of my hand, but the back of my hand doesn’t have to deal with tiredness and fatigue.

These past three weeks have been tough. Starting from the trauma of a complicated birth, and then being flung head first into the new mom thing after surgery. This time around I don’t have the pampering or the sympathy. And in this I am referring not only to my own immediate family, but also all friends and visitors. Somehow I have surpassed the “awww you poor thing” and gone on to “see, we told you so”.

Yes, it’s true. They DID tell me so.

But it’s done. I’ve gone ahead and had the baby, and now I don’t need to be reminded DAILY how hard my life is going to be for the next couple of years. We had tried to prepare ourselves for this. Omair and I knew that life would be in “limbo” for the first 2 months, as it always is with any kid. We all need time to work in another member of the family, get used to the new dynamics, and start loving the change. But somehow, the events unfolded in quite an unsavory manner, and now I am stuck in this bizarre space that I don’t want to be in.

It feels like I can’t do anything right, and not to mention, because of the C-section, it feels like I can’t do anything at all. I am carrying a lot of guilt with me. Guilt of not being able to pick up Ayzah and be the mom that she remembers. Guilt that I have to ask others to do so much for me, guilt that despite all that I have been given, I am being ungrateful.

But let me just come out and say it… This is unfair. A simple surgery has left me with a life that I can’t seem to live. I feel handicapped, and in pain a lot. It’s been 3 weeks, shouldn’t it be getting better?? Ok, it is better. But shouldn’t it go away now?? And even if the pain goes away, there is a list of don’ts that will dominate my life for the next 6 months. Don’t pick up your older children, don’t drive, don’t bend, don’t run around, don’t over do it… in other words, don’t be the person you used to be… but the good news is that you’re fine.

Well I’m not. Not fine, not at all. I was ready to go head on with a new born and a toddler and a preschooler, but this isn’t me. This is someone else, someone handicapped who is still in a lot of pain, even though it’s been three weeks.

Yes I am getting the blues. And I’m trying to keep my head on straight and work around it, but somehow the hormonal imbalance is getting the better of me and I find myself hiding in the bathroom almost every night crying. I knew the limbo would be hard, but between the C-Section, the tired fatigue and the constant reminders that I was told not to do this… I could seriously use a break. Maybe the hardest part about all this is that every time I try to turn to Omair for help or just comfort, the conversation never goes well. It’s like we’re in alien space. This isn’t us, maybe because this isn’t me.

This too shall pass… has been my motto since forever. All hard times blow over, we just have to hang  in there. But the sooner I am on the other side of this, the better. Because even the strongest of us, those who have been told that they are supermom, have their weaker moments, and perhaps this moment, is the weakest of mine.

The Story of Ayaan

I was in bed, it was 1 am and my water broke.

This was all too familiar for me, and I was overwhelmed with mixed emotions. Fear for the labor ahead, excitement to see the new baby, nervousness about leaving my kids. It was almost mechanical. I knew exactly what I needed to do. I woke up Omair, called my neighbor to come and sit with the kids and changed before leaving for the hospital.

As we drove our 2 minute drive, Omair and I kept exchanging nervous smiles. This was it. I was about to give birth to the last of our clan, and it felt good.

At the hospital I was checked in and strapped to the machines and monitors. Once we were settled, Omair looked at the room clock and said… “So by fajar we’re going to have another little one!”. Time ticked away. I waited for contractions. They came, few and far in between. Some of them harder than others, but nothing regular. By 6 am we were still waiting for something to happen. The night had been rather uneventful. The doctor came by and said that she was going to send me in for an ultrasound. Since my water had broken much earlier, she wanted to make sure that there was enough water for the baby to breath. So in another couple of hours I was wheeled to radiology where they did my scan. When the little bugger appeared on screen, I knew right away that things weren’t right.

There wasn’t enough water left. In fact, it was almost all drained, and soon the baby would struggle to breath. But that wasn’t the start of it. The little one, who for the past four weeks had his head fixed in my pelvis, had disengaged and was now in the transverse position. Sideways. He was lying sideways across my belly. As his image appeared in fuzzy blotches on the screen, I knew I would need a C-section.

Surely enough, the doctor came and told me that they would need to do an emergency C-Section. The baby was stable, but there was no option to attempt a normal delivery. I was ok about it. Some how it just felt like the right way to go. Next thing I know, I was being prepped to go to the OT. As they wheeled me inside, Omair walked beside me. We exchanged one last kiss and a smile. The nurse handed Omair a gown and told him that she’ll be out with the baby in 15 minutes. I could see him both excited and nervous. Inside the OT, they explained the procedure. Everything was going according to clock work. It felt normal. I wasn’t upset or angry, I just went along with things as they happened. They had administered an epidural, so I was really excited to be able to witness all the proceedings. I was talked through the entire procedure, and then, the nurse said… in another 2 minutes you’ll hear your baby cry.

Time ticked on. 1 minute, 2, then 3 and then 4. No baby, no crying. At the same time I could hear nervous tension among the doctors and nurses. I knew something was wrong, but I kept assuring myself that sometimes things take longer than we anticipate, so I kept praying and waiting to hear the cry. It didn’t come.

Instead, the doctor, my doctor of 5 years, the one who was the “rock” stable and solid, started getting nervous. I heard her saying words like “more suction” “retract, retract, I need more retraction!” her voice was getting more and more worked up. I heard her say… “Oh God, oh God”. Everything started blurring for me. I tried grasping at the moment, wanting to know more, but afraid to ask any questions. The scene became something out of a medical drama. The doctor struggling, nurses hovering around in tension, words being thrown around, hands pulling and amidst all that, I heard my doctor say “This baby will not die on my table!”, and with that, my entire world stopped. I could still hear the chaos but I had stopped listening. I just lay there praying, praying really hard for all of this to end. For everything to be over. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. It was so surreal. How could things have gone so wrong?

The struggle continued, and I closed my eyes. Tears were rolling out, but my hands were tied to the side, so I could wipe them away. It had been a long time. Something that felt like an eternity. There was still no baby and still no crying. I could feel pulling and tugging and a lot of struggle. I could hear my doctor continue to say “Oh God, my God”. There was a man on top of me, pushing down and my doctor instructed “more pressure on the fundus”. There was pulling and more struggling. And during all this struggle, the curtain that they had put in front of me slipped a little. I couldn’t see much, I didn’t want to see anything at all. But I did see my doctors face and then she looked at me and said “pray Hina, pray right now that Allah gives life to your baby boy”. It was a surge of emotions. I had everything I had been praying for all these months. A little baby boy, but all this hanging by threads.

The next thing I know, the baby was handed to the neonatal team waiting behind the doctor. They put my son on the table and started working on his resuscitation. I couldn’t see much, but between the people, I could see a little blue leg and a little blue foot. He lay still. Not moving. The doctors were all moving to fast, I heard one say… “There’s no circulation” and then “The heartbeat is getting fainter”. At that moment, as I lay there on that table in that OT, I spoke to Allah, and I said… “It’s ok, I understand. You can take him”.

As I was being wheeled into the recovery room, I regained consciousness and my mind immediately flooded with all that had just happened. I looked up at the man at the head of the gurney and asked him “my son, is he…?” and the man said, “He’s fine, they’ve taken him to the nursery.” I saw Omair and asked him again… “The baby, is he ok?” and Omair said “He will be”. We were told that because there were complications in the birth the baby had been injured. They were afraid that he had fractured his collar bone, his arm and his rib. Aside from that he hadn’t cried fully, so there was a question about circulation and the supply of blood to his brain. We were told that he would be under observation for 4 hours, and then the doctors would decide what to do.

We spent those 4 hours in silent prayer. Each of us in our own way, hoping that things would get better, someone would come in and tell us that our baby is fine. I kept closing my eyes, hoping that all this was all a  nightmare. Those 4 hours passed, we waited painstakingly to hear the result of the doctor’s exam. He called our room and told us that everything was fine. The baby was out of danger, and that circulation was normal. His brain activity showed proper function, and the bones were looking better.

There was a sigh of relief in the room. We all had on a nervous smile.  Finally it felt like we could be happy about having a baby.

Later on that night when we spoke to the doctor, I asked her what went wrong. And she told me that in any C-Section there are 6 complications. In my case, all 6 things went wrong. First, the baby was transverse. Second, when she made the incision, I started losing too much blood too quickly. Third, as she cut through the uterus, the baby’s spine was on top. Fourth, there was no water left, so my uterus was contracting and sticking to the baby, in other words, trapping him inside. Fifth, the baby was premature, and too delicate, and couldn’t be pulled out with the same force as a full term baby. Sixth, once they had opened me up, they baby was no longer breathing.

But as they say… all is well that ends well. It had been a long night and a longer day. But the worst was behind us, and it was time to focus on the future. Our family of five. We had thought of several names, and when they wheeled the little one into our room at 8:30 that night, it was just Omair and me, and immediately when we looked at him, we both decided that his name had to be Ayaan – gift of God.

Blissful Love

There’s nothing as tempting as waking up a peacefully sleeping baby!!

Mama me – Random 25

..o0(Ok Jammie, lets believe I took your threat seriously:P LOL)0o..

Here goes:

1. I can fluently speak toddler. “Wai pee pee” and “ami-less” make complete sense to me. (Rice crispies and animals)

2. I’ve always been musically challenged but its never affected me like its affecting me as a mom. I can’t get the words or the tune to any nursery rhyme right. It annoys Imran like crazy coz the kids “correct” him with my version of the rhyme lol

3. Motherhood is making me bite my words ALL the time. I thought raising a girl would be easier. It isn’t (in my case atleast). I thought I would raise my son and daughter the exact same way. But I dont. I thought I’d love them the same. But I don’t. I love them both intensely but differently. Its something I can never explain to anyone.

4. I totally melt at the way Eesa and Hana look upto Imran. I melt all over again at the way he looks back at them.

5. The best part of being a mom is that I get to dictate fashion! Depending on my mood, I choose the look I want my kiddies to carry for the day:P

6. I secretly wish Eesa didn’t go to school. I miss him alot when he’s gone. I also miss my alone time with Eesa alot.

7. Eesa has an amazing relationship with his daadi. I love the way his face brightens up when he sees her. He calls her every night, loves to stay at her place and often refuses to come back home from her house. Most people ask me if I’m ever jealous. NOT the slightest! I want it to be like this FOREVER inshaAllah.

8. I can’t sleep well without my kids in the room. I need to hear them breathe.

9. I was the first “worldly” touch my daughter ever felt. Even before the doctors or the nurses.

10. I wish I had LOTS of children. A house FULL of people. It’d be awesome when they grow up. But I also know I’d go insane coz I’ve never been a baby person!

11. I’m a multi-slacker (NOT my coinage:P). I’ll avoid all my chores to play with the kids!

12. Feeding solids is the toughest part of my job description. I’d rather nurse.

13. I love it when Hana smiles, especially when she scrunches up her nose.

14. I still lay down with my kids to help them fall asleep. Secretly, I don’t want this to ever stop. It’s the most beautiful part of my day.

15. Motherhood makes me miss my mom. Alot.

16. I love the smell of apples/apple juice on their breath, the crease of their toes and their baby scented hair.

17. I wish I could write better so I could journal their lives better. I’m glad I started my blog and journals.

18. I love matching my clothes with Hana whenever I can.

19. Thank God for cameras.

20. In grade 6, I had a doll that I named Emaan. I always wanted to name my daughter Emaan. I made Imran agree to name our first daughter Emaan, even before we got married. I outgrew this name 13 years later, just 3 weeks before Hana was born!

21. People told me that once I have kids, I will focus less on Imran. I love my husband and kids to bits, but very differently and ALWAYS keep in mind that my kids will leave the nest 15-18 yrs later, but Imran and I are forever!

22. Imran and I are totally comfortable with our son’s colour of choice being pink and purple and him having a play kitchen of his own. I just wish people wouldn’t respond with as much shock.

23. I hate consumerism but end up over indulging my kids. I’ve shopped more for them in the last 4 years, than I have for myself in the past 24!

24. Being a mum is the single greatest motivation for me to be a better person each day. Incidently, being a mom has also made me a better wife, sister and daughter! (In no particular order:P)

25. I will graduate from law school around the same time my son graduates from junior elementary. lol.

my gemini :)

Forever on the move

I am up to some mischief!